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  CONTENTS

  Characters of Malibu, Icons of the Valley

  Matthew Applies to College

  Film Acting School

  A Boy

  The 99 Percent

  Rehab

  The Lion’s Den

  The Mansion

  Wish Sandwich

  Freedom and Love

  An Actor Prepares

  Change, in the New World

  Just Do It

  No One Follows the Frog

  No Comparison

  Love Life

  Acknowledgments

  Stories I Only Tell My Friends Excerpt

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  About Rob Lowe

  To Lovey

  Characters of Malibu, Icons of the Valley

  I think it was Alfred Hitchcock who said 90 percent of successful moviemaking is in the casting. The same is true in life. Who you are exposed to, who you choose to surround yourself with, is a unique variable in all of our experiences and it is hugely important in making us who we are. Seek out interesting characters, tough adversaries and strong mentors and your life can be rich, textured, highly entertaining and successful, like a Best Picture winner. Surround yourself with dullards, people of vanilla safety and unextraordinary ease, and you may find your life going straight to DVD.

  To be fair, early on, we often have less of a say in the casting of our lives. We don’t choose our parents or our schools. And that is where we are formed; it is certainly where I learned some fundamental truths. Not the least of which is this:

  You never forget the first time you find a woman’s vibrator.

  My brother Chad and I were rummaging around our pal Danny’s tree house–like cottage that he shared with his single mom. I was thirteen; my brother and his friend were around nine. I had taken to co-opting my brother’s friends in those early days after our arrival in Malibu because thirteen-year-olds thought boys who wanted to “act” were probably “queer,” but nine-year-olds held no judgments about my career aspirations. Chad and I had always been close, bonded by a tumultuous cross-country uprooting and the divorce that instigated it; if he resented my glomming on to his friends, he never showed it.

  Chad, Danny and I spent our free time attempting to “shoot” the hill on Larkspur Lane on our skateboards and hiding perishable items among the shelves of our local market, to monitor as they rotted and began to stink. Danny’s mom worked at the checkout counter and every boy I knew had a confused, early-adolescent, dim-witted crush on her. With her sandy hair, light eyes and girlish body, it was often hard to reconcile her hippie-dippy, surf-babe looks with the fact that she was our buddy’s mother. Long before the term had been invented, she was the original MILF.

  One day, sitting on her waterbed with its leopard-print sheets, watching Gilligan’s Island on a tiny black and white TV, I had rolled over onto a strange, white, missile-shaped device. It began to buzz and vibrate; I began to examine the mysterious obelisk closely.

  I don’t think any of the three of us knew what it was, but between the location in which it was found, its shape and the sickly expression on Danny’s face, there was an unspoken consensus to investigate no further. I daintily hid the thing back under the sheets where I found it and we never spoke of the incident. Lesson: Sometimes it’s best to just “move on.”

  Like so many in the post-Woodstock, pre-AIDS, ERA-and-EST-driven era of midseventies Malibu, Danny’s mom was no stranger to countercultural mores. After school one day, as the three of us sat eating her homemade avocado pie, she asked my nine-year-old brother if he wanted to be “smoked out.” Chad looked at me with what today would be called a “WTF?” look, having no idea what was being offered to him. We knew that Danny was a cannabis early adopter, but Chad and I were still sons of the Midwest; we were petrified of drugs. So far.

  We were in the minority. If there is one thing that a newly transplanted misfit teen doesn’t want to be, it’s that: standing on the outside of a peer circle. So, after observing the popular kids whipping out their bongs and pipes after a tough day in woodshop or madrigals, I knew what I had to do to ingratiate myself to my fellow thirteen-year-olds. I hopped the bus to Malibu’s only record store for a little shopping spree.

  I always liked riding the bus. Because I rode them frequently into Hollywood for my auditions, I knew most of the drivers by name. I particularly liked the ones who let my friends and me hang upside down like monkeys from the overhead safety bars, swinging wildly as we sped down the Pacific Coast Highway.

  At the record shop, standing in front of the glass case containing the various dope-smoking accouterments, I decided on a tiny, pocket-sized wooden pot pipe, mostly because it looked like one of Captain Kirk’s phasers from Star Trek. And in truth, over the coming weeks I got more use out of it as a toy, running through the sage-scented gullies and swales of the Malibu hills pretending to be shooting Klingons, than I did using it for its intended purpose. Because my dark secret was that I hated pot.

  My “prop” pipe did the trick and I didn’t have to smoke at the bus stop in the morning to be cool. I would pull it out of my pocket and brandish it like I was Bob Marley, and eventually the other kids would be too stoned to notice that I never actually used it. I suppose it was an early bit of acting on my part, and it got results; presenting a façade would become a tool I would use to cope with the necessity of “fitting in” (to poor effect) up until my midtwenties.

  Malibu in the mid- to late seventies was a breeding ground for many artists who would shape the next decade. There were other young actors to come out of that time and place, and I think it had a lot to do with being surrounded by an unrelenting fusillade of characters and quacks.

  This may have been one of the reasons my mother chose Malibu as our new home in the first place. An expatriate from the land of Midwestern, Eisenhower, country-club values, she flourished among the experimental ideas she now found everywhere she turned. My brother and I were unwitting passengers on her lifelong anthropological odyssey.

  For example, when my brother was not feeling well, she would accompany him to her favorite doctor. (For reasons I’ve never understood but am thankful for, my mother rarely involved me in her medical extravaganzas.) The doctor wore corduroy OP shorts and an open-chested Hawaiian shirt. He was suspiciously handsome and insisted that all his patients call him by his first name. His practice was based in a tiny walk-up office a block away from the lone shopping center in town. He had no visible staff. His preferred method of treatment for my brother would be to have him hold various types and sizes of crystals while he manipulated my mother’s arms, testing her strength in reaction to questions he would ask her about my brother’s health.

  “Let’s see about his gallbladder,” he would intone, pressing down on my mom’s outstretched arm. If he was able to move it in a way he deemed abnormal, he would pronounce his diagnosis: “Clearly, Chad has an inflamed gallbladder.”

  The prescription was usually a round of herbal remedies, which he sold us by the boatload. He also often required us to “rent” his crystals for a number of days; we would pay the fee, lug them home for a while and then return them. I have no recollection of them doing anything other than sitting in my mom’s study collecting dust.

  I didn’t judge it then; I judge it even less now. I know of an unbelievably talented A-list actor whose oeuvre runs from drama to comedy to comic book action hero. L
ike the president of the United States, he is never out of arm’s reach of a top secret black briefcase. His daily, hand-chosen battery of exotic (and hugely expensive) crystals provides him with more comfort and power than the launch codes of our nuclear arsenal give to POTUS. Whatever works for you, I suppose.

  Although even I have my limits.

  People don’t realize how banged up you can get making TV and movies. I wouldn’t compare it to a tour in Afghanistan, but try taking a full week of all-day riding lessons if you’ve never been on a horse. Or a three-week crash course of martial arts, grappling and hand-to-hand combat training. Clearly there are more physically demanding jobs in the world, but you often don’t expect preparing for a role to kick the shit out of you in the fashion of, say, the professional rodeo. But it can.

  After one such character prep, I found myself with some pain in my lower back. As I asked around, the best and the brightest minds of Hollywood kept mentioning the name of the same specialist located in Santa Monica.

  “This man is a genius!”

  “I had been scheduled for a disk fusion and after four visits, I didn’t need surgery!”

  I made an appointment.

  I almost immediately began to feel uneasy when, once again, the guy had no staff and a cubbyhole office up a flight of stairs. The good doctor looked exactly like the photo double for Fu Manchu, complete with long, wispy, pubic-hair-looking goatee and mustache.

  “Take off clothes!” he practically barked at me, pointing to the massage table.

  I began to think of all the Hollywood glitterati who had recommended him. Did he frog-march them naked to this flimsy table as well? Not yet knowing the great and extremely useful axiom “Just because someone has an Oscar doesn’t mean they know anything about anything,” I dutifully stripped and dove onto the table.

  For the next hour and a half the guy did nothing but move his hands in strange motions over my body. In ninety minutes he never laid a hand on me (I probably should have been grateful)—no massage, chiropractic adjustments, acupuncture needles or any other type of treatment, just his hands relentlessly moving in the air over my back in little circles, like some demented deejay spinning records. Eventually I left in as much pain as I had been in when I arrived, minus two hundred dollars cash.

  In this particular era in SoCal, characters and oddballs weren’t limited to the medical profession. Local values and customs also made for a great education in human nature.

  Among my age group growing up in Malibu, no one was more hated than anyone hailing from the San Fernando Valley. “Valleys,” then a pejorative on par with the horrific use of the N-word, was thrown around to describe people who had the audacity to live over the hills in the suburban sprawl of Van Nuys, Encino, Sherman Oaks and Calabasas. Much more traditional, conservative, and working-class than most anyone living on the coast, these kids had to battle for a claim to enjoy Malibu’s beaches and surf spots.

  The great irony was that the Valley kids, also known as “Kooks,” were every bit as good and often better than the locals were at surfing. Fights would break out on the sand and in the water with equal frequency. I once saw a guy strangling another with his surfboard leash; another time I watched an Outsiders-like rumble in the parking lot at Zuma Beach. It looked like a California version of Hitler’s Aryan Nation, dressed in board shorts or wetsuits, beating the snot out of each other. This would come in handy later, when I shot a giant teen fracas in my first movie.

  When I was old enough to get my learner’s permit and began to explore the dangerous and dreaded Kanan Road, which led to the Valley, I found that it wasn’t as bad a place as I was led to believe.

  I discovered that the blast furnace of San Fernando produced its own landlocked answer to Malibu’s would-be stars. At the beach, the hot band to watch was the Surf Punks. In the Valley, the Runaways were trailblazing the path for all-girl bands to come. In auditions around town, I was often coming up on the losing end of Ventura Boulevard phenom Rad Daly. Already a staple of 16 Magazine and Tiger Beat, Rad was the guy you had to beat for every middling sitcom pilot. (At that early point in my career, most of the projects I could land a meeting on were middling at best.) Soon, fellow second-generation performers like Moon Unit and Dweezil Zappa would become as well-known as the Sheen and Penn brothers.

  Kids in the Valley had their own vernacular—absolutely no one in Southern California spoke as they did—and when Moon Zappa documented it perfectly in the song “Valley Girl,” the entire country co-opted “Grody,” “Like, I’m so sure!” and the evergreen classic “Gag me with a spoon.” Valley girl–speak’s cultural importance can (unfortunately) not be overstated. Overnight, perfectly well-educated and articulate kids adopted a faux-bimbo lilt and hair-flopping attitude.

  Coming, as it did, at the very moment popular entertainment culture was beginning its now-total contempt for anything learned or adult, the song “Valley Girl” was the seedling riding the airwaves from which many of today’s verbal tics sprung. Linguists now have a term for this dumbed-down singsong lilt: “uptalk.” The next time your teenage kid says the word “like” twice in a five-word sentence, you’ll know whom to thank.

  If Malibu was a bastion of laissez-faire, self-centered, malignant disregard, the San Fernando Valley was a different ecosystem entirely. Families still had some semblance of the traditional Protestant values left over from their dust bowl, post–World War II kin who had settled the place. Or think of it this way: In the decade from 1976 to 1986 Tom Joad’s kids were the parents in the Valley. In Malibu, it was Hunter S. Thompson.

  But there were plenty of lessons of a different sort to be learned from the kids of Ventura Boulevard.

  In my peer group from Malibu, although some families were very successful in show business, it would be a few years before the young generation took the baton. Not so in the Valley, and so I got that valuable shot in the arm that any young dreamer needs; I took comfort in seeing that I was not alone. I ran into (and sometimes up against) Moosie Drier of Oh, God! and The Bob Newhart Show fame. And Kim Richards, the go-to cute little blond girl from all the Disney movies. There was Jennifer McAllister, a talented actress who was doing movies like Sybil and who appeared to be the next Jodie Foster, who was also in the mix, already an institution from movies like Taxi Driver and Bugsy Malone.

  The royal family of the Valley was, without question, the Van Pattens. The patriarch, Dick Van Patten, was the star of Eight Is Enough, one of the biggest shows on TV, and had an army of great-looking sons and cousins who were always competing at a high level in sports and entertainment.

  As you can see below, in the late 1970s there was another version of Camelot, just off Ventura Boulevard.

  Kennedys vs. Van Pattens

  Powerful Patriarch

  Joe Sr. ruthlessly engineered his son’s domination of politics in the fifties and sixties

  Dick jovially engineered his son’s domination of television in the seventies and eighties

  Patriarch High-water Mark

  Joe Sr. served as ambassador to Great Britain from 1937 to 1940

  Dick starred as Tom Bradford in Eight Is Enough from 1977 to 1981

  The Golden Sons

  Joe Jr., Bobby and Jack

  Nels, Jimmy and Vince

  The Proving Ground

  Touch football on the lawn

  Tug-of-war on Battle of the Network Stars

  Son’s Finest Moment

  JFK upsets Nixon, 1960

  Vince upsets John McEnroe, 1981

  Female Conquests

  Marilyn Monroe

  Farrah Fawcett Majors

  Family Compound

  Hyannis Port, Cape Cod

  Patten Place apartment building, Sherman Oaks

  Whom They Feared

  The Teamsters

  The ACNielsen Company

  To a scrub like me, this seemed like an impenetrable show business/sports/girl-chasing dynasty. I seem to recall losing a role or two to one of the clan in
the early days, possibly the role of “Salami” in The White Shadow, which went to Timothy Van Patten. And a few years later, as I got my act together in terms of girls, I would diligently court a gal only to see her drive by in Vince Van Patten’s convertible. You can never truly understand the power that a little fame, achievement and good looks can have until you see it up close, and it was very clear to me what side I wanted to be on.

  Eventually, I ended up spending a fair amount of time at Patten Place, the large group of apartments Dick owned on Riverside Avenue in the heart of the Valley. It was an early version of what the Oakwood Apartments are today: a safe, clean harbor for struggling actors and the odd, dubious hanger-on. After he beat me out for the part of “the new kid” on Eight Is Enough late in its run, Ralph Macchio and I became close on my first movie, The Outsiders. Ralph lived in Patten Place, next door to “the Nike Man,” a Tiger Beat talent scout who seemed to have an endless free supply of the latest Nike wear and who gave it away to any handsome teenage boy he ran across. He also had an obsession with the talk show host John Davidson, whose shows he watched repeatedly on an early-era Betamax.

  The Nike man was one of the first people I encountered who made their living around the edges of show business but who weren’t actually in show business. It may have been the first and certainly not the last time I saw that not everyone got into show business from artistic passion.

  The Valley also had a monopoly on actors who were tremendous and tough athletes. In Malibu, the only sports you could expect anyone to participate in were surfing and volleyball. My tastes were more traditional and if I wanted a vigorous game of hoops or football, I would have much better luck on the other side of the hill.

  The godfather of show business athletics in the Valley was the king of television, auteur Garry Marshall. He hosted a notoriously elite, every-weekend basketball tournament at his Tarzana home. As the creator of Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley and Mork and Mindy, he had a very deep bench to draw from. I was thrilled to be included once or twice, with mixed results. Believe me, there is nothing more demoralizing than being dunked over by Lenny and Squiggy or the Fonz.